Welcome to the Love Sex and Leadership podcast where you can discover simple tantric teachings to embody your true power, awaken your soul's wisdom and live an inspired life as a natural intuitive and heart centered leader. Beautiful, welcome everyone to love sex and leadership and where I have amazing conscious conversations with some of my friends and dear beloved around the world who are, have been and are creating a lot of magic in this planet. And I'm very grateful today to have a dear friend. I've been on her podcast, I think it was twice many years back and uh happy to have you here, Sydney th uh a a facilitator, just an extraordinary human who I've had the privilege to know for many years now. So thank you for being here. Thanks Aaron. Yeah, I, I feel super touched to be connecting with you cause I remember I'm like, when did we first meet? I have this really vivid memory of maybe seeing you in Bali at SOMA like a long time ago and I don't think we were quite friends yet. And, but I just remember I was like that dude, like something's, you were like having a weird energy day maybe. And I was, like, something's going on with that guy but I think he's really cool and I wanna know him. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a distinct memory, like a long time ago. Like, it might have been, like, 2017 or something when I was first kind of landing in Bali for the first time. And, um, oh, and I remember the partner you were with, she also, we were like singing and she was like, you're all in the light, like you got to own your darkness. And it really, really triggered me. We were like singing like after dance. And I was like, uh of course, I'm in my light but I didn't get it. I wasn't ready to hear that message. So that's another and, and how, how is your relationship with the dark Bell? Tell me, um I mean, it's ever evolving. Um Even when I saw you in Tulum last, I think that's when we were last in person. And right before I did the first ista like a year ago. And I mean, it's always an edge, it's always been an edge. I remember doing your, your workshop at my old place, mystic manner in L A. And you know, it was so hard for me to embody the predator, the rapist. So like the, the good girl facade is such a strong um has been such a strong mechanism wired in my being this life and this body and um yeah, it's been a journey to unwind and drop out of those structures into something else. You know, that doesn't try, that doesn't have a strategy. And yeah, this last year has been actually really big in that regard. Hm. Tell, tell, tell me more. I know you were thinking about some, the things around surrender coming in for you and you just had a, a book not to recently come out as well. Um Which I was grateful to support and endorse for you. And yeah, I would love to hear about how your, your journey with surrender and leadership. And I know you're still doing facilitation. And yeah, really? What's alive for you in these realms? Thanks. Well, yeah, you asked me, you know what's alive and what do you want to jam about? And I said surrender lol just to be clear. And then you were like surrendered leadership. Let's talk about that. I'm like, it's surrendered lol OK? Is anybody listening? It's like, you know, I, what does it take that? This is just always my like the never, never answered question. What does it take to let go? What does it take to surrender? What does it take to be willing to be real? And you know, and you think, you know, and you have an awakening and this is a lot about what my book is about. I'm ascending now. What? And it's like a trick. It's like a trick question like now like, you know, be yourself and like continue surrendering to how you will not know again and again and again, I don't know, I don't know who am I now drop out of that even just come back into presence. And yeah, and it, it just, I feel so humbled in this moment. Today has been kind of a day of like kind of being on the verge of tears in a lot of moments and tears of gratitude, tears of bliss and like the gratitude of being alive when I, you know, could have easily, really missed being here. I'm really feeling that and back in San Francisco where I grew up, a lot of memories of like growing up very fast. And um and then also like on the verge of tears feeling like this, if I were to put words to it, like a frustration of like, are we there yet, you know, done on this journey of embodiment or whatever you call it? Just trying to be more me trying to be more real, be more present, be more alive for like a long time. I don't know, maybe it's no time at all. And yeah, I just feel like sadness is present today around like goddamn it. Like what does it take? What does it take for me to surrender even more and to not like who I'm supposed to be, this whole persona identity of whatever the stuff you said? About me. Just like none of it means anything about me. None of it means anything about my value, my worth who I really am. What does it take to surrender to God to a higher power, to divinity to something bigger than that? I am me, this little human. You know, I'm, I'm just like, what does it take to surrender to really be in full faith and trust that there is something far more intelligent than me running this whole thing. And then what does it take for like people, other people to like as clear, I'm sure you know, this as a facilitator healer. I don't know. I love your take on it, but it's like have these people coming to ask me for help and coming in for sessions and, and they, they think they want help but then they have resistance and they're marrying to me, of course, my own resistance. You know, when I think I want help with letting something go and it's like, what does it take? Oh, you have to hit a bottom, you have to go through that suffering. You have to get to that point of really throwing your hands up and giving up in that moment is going to be different for everybody. You know, surrender. I give up. I don't know. Mm Well, I, I just wanna reflect back. I really, um I feel you in this moment. I can really feel your, the tenderness that you're bringing in, I can feel your heart. I can feel the, yeah, the depth of the questioning and it's a questioning I know for myself, I've been out many times and I mean, even yesterday, here in Bali, I was sitting in a men's circle with many dear, you know, beloved men. I love and appreciate the guys I've known for years and years and just sharing this deep questioning myself of, you know, this relationship with God and death and life and, you know what this, what this, this whole human journey really mean. And, and I definitely can relate to that place of people, asking for help and support. Of course, you know, I'm always there to give, give my best and, you know, that doesn't negate the fact that any one of us, you know, has our journeys into the, the unknown. And ultimately, that's where I think we all are, you know, the moment I can relate to that so much. The moment I think I actually know something I do. I really, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's all pretty, I like your laugh. It's like, oh, yeah. And it's like just this fun game where you're playing. It's like, not actually a big deal on some level. Exactly. You know, the, the thing that always comes to me and I, I don't know if it's the service of the soul, but just the place of, ok, at some point I'll be on my deathbed. I'll be looking back at this life and I'll say, did I, you know, did I love completely? Did I love deeply? Did I show up in my best? Did I live in joy? You know, was my life riddled with just trying to get things done all the time or was I actually going out to smell the flowers and, and that, that to me is always the place I arrived back to. It's like, ok, OK, I'm gonna, I'm gonna smell the flowers. I'm gonna dance in the rain. I'm gonna, you know, play, play with this life that's here, whatever cosmic joke of reality, we're diving into something's happening. I love that. And, and also like, I don't know, to be even more real like this whole year, this last year, 2023 I feel like that's a distinct, there's a distinct closure now in 2023 but I'm reflecting on how like it was hard, like I had some really intense, I don't know if this has ever happened for you or I, I know it is was more present for other people. I, you know, support and kind of collaborate with. It was like there are really loud moments of, you know, like deep questioning of do I really wanna be here on this planet? And like a, you know, it came through as like suicidal ideation attachments at some points and really interesting things in the psychic space. And I think catalyzed by some physical um stuff I had going on that was kicking up really ancient, like, toxic shame and fear and just, you know, processing it through my body and it was hard core and it felt like a really deep initiation of like, do I really wanna be here? And yeah, the death that I love, you know, of course, like, did I fully, I'm here to be fully alive. I'm in this human experience, I'm here to embody, I'm here to teach and serve. But also what kind of came up for me from? That was like, I kind of like did it all. I kind of like did everything in a way. Like I wrote the book, I taught all this stuff. I said way too much. I made way too many videos like I did a lot and, and in the spirit of like my truest authenticity of my soul journey, what am I really here for now? If I'm not the identity of the healer, the facilitator, the teacher or whatever, who source, who was at a time sourcing a lot of value from that person, you know, and so there's a lot of dismantling of that uh for me last year and, and the guidance I got, you know, from my different from source was like, you're here to be an inspiration, you know, maybe the new teaching in terms of presence, authenticity and real, like real presence is about just being an inspiration just inspiring through living and, and following as you say, and, and not being so concerned with the channel through which that is conveyed and communicated, you know, that like just living for yourself and not being so attached to that specific expression, you know, and so I've been exploring that and it's been a really good, like, just feel super humbled and I feel like this other part of my ego, I never really got to know. I'm just like, watching it die. You know, like the part that wants to be really important and known and special and yeah, and it's like so much there's like shame and all kinds. So talk about meeting the darkness, right? I'm just like, OK, I been here and then there's all this stuff about money coming up, which is really interesting and yeah, it's, it's cool and it's not all like heavy every day, all the time. But in this moment it's like, that's what's, that's what's coming up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, this, this kind of um dance into the unknown, this, this place of the, you could say that the more soul realms and, you know, differentiating personality, soul and, you know, call it Monad or call it, you know, the dark abyss to which we originate from. Um you know, it's funny, I can definitely identify the times in my life and my personality has been very identified to the ways in which really my soul is leading the way. But my personality is like, but see me, hey, I'm doing good too and it's like, yeah. Ok. I wanna, I wanna justify that and verify that and, you know, the thing I've learned more than anything the last, you know, probably 3 to 4 years, especially with the amount of teaching facilitation and retreats. I mean, II, I have a crazy schedule through the year is the more my personality gets out of the way. Not only can I be more energetic and actually be able to do, you know, um back to back to back retreats and things, but it's actually like, it's my soul that's just like guiding and I'm, I'm my general mantra is, can I as personality of Aaron get the fuck out of the way? Like can I let whatever energy wisdom thing, you know, guide and I, and I know you know this right? Well, as well and it's like, yeah, and in these dark places where like the personality, some parts of it are dying and transmuting and dissolving. It's, it's scary, super scary. It's like, well, what's actually going on here? You know, like what the fuck is actually going on? It's a trip. Yeah, like the, the, the suicidal thing I mentioned, it's just the best terms I have for like the experience I was, I was having, you know, it was like, it was, I don't know, things are just getting very multidimensional and interesting in my reality. And I know that it's also helping me to kind of like step into a new level of service in my Dharma, which is to heal and support others in their embodiment. And it's like, I feel like I'm just getting upgraded through my own initiations to be able to have more capacity to help people with the stuff that they're bringing to me, which is getting like really complex in some cases, like really interesting multidimensional integration and just like all kinds of new abilities. I don't know if you've been seeing this in your work. I'm sure you have like, you know, when we unlock the body more and get more energy moving, there's like all kinds of abilities coming online for people in addition to the elevation of the planetary frequencies and what that makes possible. And so it, it's, you know, it's beautiful and I've, I've been blessed with like, also people coming into my field now who I like, you know, we weren't in residence before and they're just kind of coming out of nowhere almost to like support and help and kind of as colleagues and soul family like ancient, you know, ancient friends. And, and it's just shifting my ideology of like what I thought, coaching and mentoring and that whole structure that I was playing in was about and it, it's just kind of a new orientation uh coming and it feels like templating, you know, part of what might be this new economic system that we see starting to template, starting to come for, for sure. So if I, if I hear you correctly through your surrender of what isn't working for you anymore, you are leading the way into new paradigm. Well, I guess we've, we, we fed our, our, our direction of our surrender leadership here. Dear synthesis. It was there all along. Yeah. Yes, for sure. And I love that, you know, one of my other titles for the book um I'm ascending now up was like, get out of the way of being yourself and not the, you know, like you said, beautifully. His personalities are so heavy, so heavy, they take up so much energy to maintain. I have a, I don't know about you but mine is giant D. So what? So, so, so, so tell me and also, you know, the people listening when they experience or you experience that big personality that's seeking identification and wanting to be seen and wanting to be honored and recognized. Like, how, how do you navigate that? Like, how do, how do you like give a level of, of honoring to it? But also not let it run the show. I'm, I'm curious how you navigate those realms. It's changed. I feel like I used to be so good at it. And now whatever shifted in my being like is requiring a whole new tool set. That's what I feel like I've been cultivating the last you know, couple months and, you know, something that really helped me recently, I mean, I've been meditating yoga, all the modalities. I feel like I've done everything for like the last 12 years or something and something that really helped me just this last month was the post of meditation, which had been on my radar a long time. And I just, I finally went and did it and so simple, it's like such a simple, you know, I've been doing like complex like psychic development and all these like trainings and protocols and, and this technique was so simple and it was just requiring that you drop all other techniques and practices and focus on, you know, generally just focus on breath and sensation. It's almost like I had done all of the work just to be able to actually finally sit there and do that and, and go so deep and out of the mind and so integrating that experience and my reality now, which is a high contrast kind of coming back in the 3d reality, San Francisco, like there's a lot of, you know, energetic interferences happening here. And um yeah, coming back from that, um I've been tracking, been able to track more closely when I'm in like the personality that has a lot of expectations and agendas and is kind of like draining energy in certain ways, tracking all these details of how people are receiving me or, you know, making up a lot of stories about how things that I do, like what they mean, how they're, you know, being impactful or not or whatever. Um, I can start to feel in my system when I'm getting a little bit hyped up, like when I'm a little bit, you know, um, it feels like just more frenetic, I suppose. Uh, I, I can notice that more and I can, I've been able to catch myself a few times. Um even today and I feel more in touch with a deeper, calm and presence. No, which is, you know, me, more me and somehow it's, I've just been extremely letting go of a lot of emotion in this process. It's like that feeling when you feel more deeply, what feels to me, like more of my core that I'm finally, I finally have more capacity to feel and access. Yeah, there's a lot of emotion there for me, it's like releasing, it's like a lot of the words don't really seem to do justice the experience, but it's like, yeah, it feels very full and, and rich also. Yeah, just flowing a lot of flowing energy. And I don't know if that fully answered your question, but that's what I I'm learning and practicing and, but it has come with like also the renewed commitment to practice, you know, like I've had periods in my life as I'm sure you have where it's like I do sna and I do like really strict discipline things or I've given my power over to like, I have to do this protocol every day for two hours or else, you know, codependent like spiritual practice. But with the Vasa, I've reached such a state of equanimity that I've never felt that I'm, I'm almost like, motivated by fear of losing that, that I'm like, ok, I'm gonna meditate for one hour in the morning and one hour at night and do that technique as, as best I can and, and with that, hopefully stabilize and more of this sustain connection to, you know, that true core. Mhm mhm No, I, I love what you're sharing and, and the different layers through that as well. Like one of the, the question, you know, in terms of, I've done a lot of silent meditation, not a direct apo, but I've saw many times in silent meditation, um a variety of different disciplines through the years. And, you know, the, the piece that I see happen and, and I'm is sometimes I see through that pro postulate journey. Sometimes there is a more of an ascendant journey rather than a descending into the body. And sometimes I've come across and I'm sure you've come across people like this as well that through their meditation is actually like the bypassing of the body. And, you know, knowing I'm a, I'm a tuner guy, I'm, I'm in the body, I'm in the senses, I'm in the, the aliveness of the breath and the sound and the movement and the, you know, and of course, I like my stillness. So I'm curious for you having done a lot of embodiment work and really, you know, teaching and supporting people in that way. How did you feel the, you know, not only the people around you, but also the integrative nature of that brad mind into the place of the body. How did that land for you? I totally know what you mean. Uh It was, you know, and it was profound. I did a, I did a, the pasta called K PAA in Maui, like two, like years ago. It was two weeks silent. It was awesome. I love silence. I'm like way more comfortable there. Like, can we just be silent? That'd be great, like forever. Like I just want to go back to the monastery. Like I'm good, you know, I, that's like way more my preferred reality, but I'm not allowed to do that in this life. Like we're here to be in the world but not or not of the world. And I sink into that kind of space so easily. It's so familiar to me. Done a lot of silent practice too and, and, but just, you know, I didn't actually do the technique though. This is the thing I didn't do it. I didn't follow the directions because I knew better back then. You know, I think I admittedly now, I don't think I knew it at the time, I think I, I thought I was doing it. I felt relief but looking back like I was literally just sitting in silence for two weeks, looping thoughts and like figuring stuff out and probably deepening like mental thought patterns and unhelpful like behaviors and identities for two weeks and whatever. I mean, there's no, it's all good that happened. It was beautiful. We were in Maui, the whales were like breaching in the distance. It was like surreal. It was so beautiful. COVID happened later. So I'm grateful for that experience. But this time, I really, I got to a point where my mind had been, you know, kicking my ass so hard that I was just like, I, I surrender like I will just do this technique and throw everything out the window that I think I know like I'm done, I'm done with all my fancy akashic, whatever the hell. Like I'm good, like tell me what to do. God, like I'm done and you know, and the first day in the retreat, I mean, I was having, you know, the first couple of days you just do a different technique to kind of develop focus, mental focus of the breath, focusing on a very small area of sensation. And I really did it. I really, I really focused and I was having some of the most psychedelic experiences I've ever had. Like, it was surreal and, and you know, I, I like there's like interview time with the teacher. And I, like, went up and I'm, you know, I'm kind of in this altered state and I'm like, so I had this experience where I'm asking her, I'm like, where, you know, I think I, like popped out of my, you know, it was a bol location for sure. Like I popped out and I was watching the, you know, room from around and I was surveying everybody and she's like, sounds like your mind just made a mental projection and, you know, just returned to the breath and it was so cool because for my spiritual ego which wants to be like really alien and galactic and special. And I have all these abilities and I can teach you how to remote view and bio locate and let's invent teleporting and you know, all this stuff and just to have a teacher be like, sounds like a, you know, even though I don't necessarily agree with that, I totally bio located. But in that context, it was really good to just be like, it doesn't matter, like none of that matters. Like you're here, the message we got was like, you're here to be a human, you're here to be in a body and you had to master feeling and to do so is requiring you to differentiate your mind and really cultivate the capacity to put it in the backseat. You know, it will always be there, it will be running there will be times when you don't hear it at all and it will be finally silent. But to get to that point is requiring you to really deepen in the awareness of the sensations happening and then cultivating immense detachment from those sensations. And in that process, I had, I mean, I got a rewiring Aaron, I got like a big rewiring. I'm, I'm integrating in my being and I felt stuff like slide out of my brain. Like I felt like at one point a stone slab get like, I'm just sitting there. It's like day three, you know, and I feel like a stone slab get like taken out of my brain and then my heart started beating out of my chest and I started falling forward and it's just stuff I'd never, I've had a lot of experiences, nothing like this. And it was so um potent and just so conscious and there and present and, and it was going deep through going deep into the body, deep into sensation, deep presence with what is already naturally occurring and then not, not attaching, not attaching to the good sensa sensations or the bad, you know, judgment of good or bad, whatever that means just just watching. Mhm. Mhm. It was really uh life changing and yeah, it's something that I will, you know, take with me forever and, and, and then there's the whole model of how the whole thing is just ran on donation and that whole thing blew me away and just the generosity and, yeah, it was really moving. Hm. Yeah, it sounds like a really deeply profound experience for you that, that uh opened you up to, yeah, the different realms of, of meditation and the different realms of yourself and getting deeper into the autonomous state, which is amazing. I think it's for everybody. You know, I think it reminds me of these things. I love to investigate social movements. You know, like again on the topic of like, what does it take to be willing to surrender to something greater than yourself and drop the personality, be real and fully live. And you know, and, and I love uh observing and participating in these templates of these global social movements is a, is one of them, you know, thousands of people. What does it take to have like such a diverse field of individuals gathering for this shared purpose of awakening and embodiment? And, and then in the Vasa, it's like it was such a diverse, it serves thousands, probably millions of people. And uh these models are, are so revolutionary and I think they really are for everybody. And in that particular field of the group I was into, I felt a lot of people kind of like, yeah, going the more ascending route and being really in the mi the mind, man, we have these minds that are like they're so strong, our whole lives, forever, whole society is conditioning us to live in the mind, not be in the not feel, not have desire, not be powerful. It's like we're up against a lot. No, we are, I mean, and you know, these, these mimes that can um be utilized in our, you know, ultimately our awakening for sure if they're um resourced in an effective way, whatever that may be, whatever uh avenue they could be utilized for, you know, this this awakening journey, I guess, you know, the, the the place of this place of where meditation, this place where um surrender this place where leadership all intersect. And, and I think the, the thing that I'm curious to get your reflections on and having moved around a lot of these kind of spiritual worlds and different disciplines and ideas. And how does someone you know, who, who is listening, who has found this new teacher has found this new discipline? How does someone begin to differentiate between, you know, this, this teacher has come into their life that of course they're on their own mission. But you and I both know these people that are often, I wouldn't say doing it for the wrong reason, but they've learned that they've learned the skill and then that the skill can make them a a 67 figure income. And then they're like, I'm now this guru person and you know that there's a beauty to it like you're helping people. And there's also there, there's there's some deep unknown shadows there. So I, I just, like, I see so much, you know, I, I've been in this for 16 years now and I've seen a lot, I've seen a lot of people come up and a lot of people fall and a lot of people rise and, you know, and I see these new people who are so green and so thirsty and they want, want new things and like, I generally find for myself by the time someone gets to me, they often have been doing work for like 1015 years and then they finally found like a, a deeper guide and, and I'm not saying I'm the ultimate guide, but there's other people who can support them, but there's a lot of, there's a lot of bullshit. I just sort of fall like, you know, and I, I don't, I don't, I, and I, I feel you and I thought you since I've met you and I know that how you show up is with such integrity and such vulnerability and surrender. So how do you, how does someone do like decipher, like what's bullshit and what's not? I'm, I'm curious, I fucking love you, Aaron. I actually really wanted to talk with you about this, like either here or otherwise because exactly, exactly. How can someone discern you can feel it? Hm. You can feel it. Talk about the personality, talk about like social media being the ultimate vehicle in which huge inflated personalities and agendas and egos can just be like, take up so much space and prey upon those that don't yet have the discernment yet, you know, fully refined and cultivated and guess what it all serves a purpose cause I had mentors that I, you know, at one point I've just, I've just been through the gamut and I myself even like, you know, tried to do, I like did the high ticket coaching and paid thou hundreds of thousands of dollars to mentors and trainings and funnels. And, you know, and I'm like a marketing strategist, my former career, well, current career. But, you know, I had this, like, I just had a lot of like that fervor that I think you're talking about when you see the new green people who are, like, genuinely, really wanting to serve and help and support and they had an awakening and they want to share it and they're so excited and there's just so much excitement and they're talking to you like this in the video and they're like, ah, and I'm like, oh my God, I can't listen to you talk, you're so anxious, but you're like me, I was like that when I started and I know, and I helped a lot of people who are just a few steps behind. And it took me personally going through those experiences of working with mentors that were, had a really great facade and great marketing and, and great sales pitch and then you work with them a little bit and I, and they couldn't support me and they didn't have the capacity and I re one of the most powerful moments was working with someone I had invested 100 grand uh in a year, 100 grand coaching for one year with this woman who, you know, I, I think I was attracted to her because she was doing these Facebook live streams where she was just like sharing these like galactic transmissions and they were so hypnotic and so magnetizing. And I was like, I and I was doing that with clients privately. I was channeling, you know, and I, but I couldn't do it publicly. I was terrified that I was going to get burned at the stake on some level, you know, I couldn't do it. So this woman was showing me a part of myself that had not been fully awakened and embodied. And I'm like, I need that. I got to have what you got. Like I have that in me. I need help. And the conversation wasn't as fully conscious, you know, I wasn't fully conscious of that being the thing. But I, you know, I went in, I, you know, paid all this money and then at one point, some really deep trauma was coming up as it does when you're unlocking, you know, power and opening up your, you know, creativity and shit got real. And this woman it was fascinating. I couldn't, she, I could tell she couldn't handle it. Whatever I shared with her actually triggered something in her where she collapsed, detached and right then, and there almost was like, you know, said something to the effect of uh this is not fun anymore. I can't, you know, this, she literally told me this is not fun anymore. Like we're done or something like that. It was horrible, like re recapitulate my abandonment trauma and, and by the way, we were playing a whole mother daughter thing out anyway, which I think is also very present out there in this world where people are seeking out help, they're seeking out parental figures to like reenact, you try to enact a healthy relationship, but it's often times not conscious that we're doing that, you know, and, and can cause a lot of re traumatization. And um so anyways that was, that was horrible. I had an existential crisis after that. I'm like, do I even want to be part of this industry? This is in 2017 or 2018. I'm like, do I even, I was like, if this woman is doing this and charging this amount of money and this is what she's doing and I can actually support people much more effectively with a much greater level of depth, like what and like, what am I doing? I'm not charging 100 grand and like, wait a minute, it was just, but really what came up most of all was like, do I even want to be a part of this like this mess? And, and honestly, this is coming up for me. Um again, like this has come up a few times. I don't know if you've experienced this, it will come up in my system sometimes as like, it's probably the anxious, you know, like I just wanna check out like I don't want to deal with this mess. Like I'm out of here, but it's like, I don't know if I want to be a part of a system that is so rampant with distortions and re traumatized and an unconsciousness and, and then I took three years, you know, trying to invent a new social media platform to solve the problem. But that really, that wasn't really ready to take off. And um you know, so I'm in my own discovery of like, yeah, what is my integrity and my service in Dharma? And not, I don't want to be driven from a place of I'm here to rescue and fix and save this industry and whatever. But, but like you, I'm also finding in my journey, I'm, I'm available now for a um greater depth of service. And the people that are coming to me are people that have then burned in some cases and have some projections to heal of prior experiences that didn't pan out as promised or they, they've just seen through the bullshit from day one and they're like, hi, let's, you know, let's do some stuff together. Yeah. I mean, I can relate on, on so many levels. I mean, ultimately when I, when I, you know, I first did my master's degree in spiritual psychology and I was living in L A and, you know, I was 2526 at the time and, you know, deep in the world of self development and, you know, I was very blessed because I got to meet, you know, like Debbie Ford before she died, I got to, you know, connect with, with, with, with Wayne Dyer. I got to meet all these like amazing Bob Proctor, you know, all these guys that have been involved in the self development world and not necessarily those that I just name. But what I, after about three years deep in that world, I was working for a big self development publishing company and, you know, I generally just witnessed again, not everyone, but there was a vast majority that would speak and teach something from stage, but then their lives were dictating the exact opposite. And I remember just feeling inside of me, you know, and I was very green. I was very new, I was very excited, but there was just something inside of me that was like, this isn't something is not lining up. Like I would meet a lot of different people who were just gave this great presentation and then interact with them. And I'm like, you're, you're different now, like, why can't you just be in your naturalness when you're teaching and speaking? You know, and I'm far from perfect in this, but it is one of the things that I really tried to hold true as a value of mine is just being really authentic and really like, you know, just like, for example, witnessing you when we first started just really sharing the, the this date of where you're at and not trying to sugar coat it and be anything other than where you really are. To me, like, just I have so much love and respect for that because I can feel, of course, we can, you know, give these galactic teachings on all these different pieces and all that stuff and it's beautiful and it's amazing. But actually like the, the, the realness of just being who we are and not being afraid of that and the vulnerability and this is to me where surrendered vulne vulnerable leadership. And again, it's not a uh what is when I see the posts of the things vulnerable share, we're going into a vulnerable post now, but just to share, why do you have to preempted it? Because you need to know this is you get ready because people even in sales training, they're like, here's a template for how to write a vulnerable sales post and reconnect it. It's just the mind fuck is, is it goes so deep. Like it's like, can we, people do not have real empathy? Like the, the, the problem goes so much deeper than all the stuff that we're mentioning. It's like at a societal systemic level, where are people getting exposure to true connection and empathy and touch and like real attuned presence? You know, I had a moment after my Bali retreat, you know, just as in Bali hosted the best retreat ever. I think it's like the last one because it's just the best that we ever did. Like we touched into such a high frequency. We were so present and everyone was just in love. This is heaven on earth. We like we did it and the group loves each other so much. They're literally planning their own retreat and they're like, come to the Azores with us. We're planning a whole, like we're all going and I'm just like, oh my God, you know, like I created a monster. Like, it's amazing because it's like at the end of the day, all this business stuff like it doesn't matter. I'm here to create depth connection, love. It's like the reason I'm alive. And whenever that feels that simplicity of the mission has gotten distorted by anything else, it's like, that's when I got to go in and be like, OK, what, like that's the personality, you know, like, oh my God, what, like it's so simple. We're here for connection and the like part of the another way people listening can discern. It's like God, you know, people that are running an agenda and they're kind of like pulling out your energy and they're like, you can feel it like I think more people than, than they may be aware, like they know, you know, more than you think, you know, they take a moment when you're on social media, when you're out looking at the news or whatever, whenever these channels are, you know, popping up and you're looking for support, like we all need support. We can't do this alone. You know, awakening. It's an inside job at the end of the day, like you're here alone, it's you and God, yes, but you don't have to do it alone. There's people that can help you. You know, we, I need so much, I have so much support like thank God, thank God, I found support and people that are like highly attuned people. I can just, at this point, I don't even really work with coaches or mentors. I have people who are highly attuned, present, embodied beings that I can literally like a session is just like we're hanging out talking. I end up sharing about something that's alive. And I'm processing so much backlog of energy that I've been holding in my field in my body that I didn't even know I was holding and I just get to let go because someone else has done the work to have the capacity of clarity or just sitting with them, being with them. I already know the answer. There's nothing to figure out or talk about or like get coaching on. Really? It's just like cleaning out the mess, like cleaning out the stuff that's no longer needed. So I can see and feel truth. That's pretty much it. And I think that's where we're evolving to its presence. It's like your presence is the teaching and maybe someday it will just be like sitting in silence, like maybe my next retreats will just be silent. But, you know, not everyone's ready for that. People are on other trajectories and early on in the journey, you know, it's like there's a lot of different stuff coming at you and, and it's like, how do you discern, I would encourage people just as a step one when you're, you know, seeking support, track the energetic state you're in when you're on social media, when you're reading someone's newsletter, when you're like reading a book, like, how do you connect to yourself? How do you connect to your heart? You know, if it's like too much like connecting with your body energy is weird. Like, just take a pause when you're, when you feel, when you notice the hardest part is taking a pause, when you notice you're in a kind of hooked energy and something has you, your attention really hooked in, you know, and, and it's different for everyone. These, you know, that's why we practice meditation or practice embodiment practice. So you can get more used to noticing like, oh, I'm in, I'm totally hooked in. I'm like, totally hypnotized. And then how do you stop and pause and come back and bring your energy back to center breathe resource, connect to self um feel yourself and then re engage and then see, ok, like, how does this person really feel? Like, because usually you can tell, like, I think more than ever again, like, we're just so much more conscious and aware than we give ourselves credit for it. You can tell when something's off. I mean, like 99% of people I can't really like, it's hard for me, it gets to the point eventually where you can't listen to someone's, I cannot listen to certain people's voices. And some of these people are like famous celebrity, spiritual healers or whatever. And I'm like, I can't even like, turn it off. It's like nails on a chalkboard because the vocal intonation is indicative of so much unprocessed trauma and personality projection through the trauma. It's like, I just, I'm like, get it away from me. It's like spewing, you know, and, and this is with so many people and I think this is part of an entrainment that people are also desensitized to. But as you start to unwind uh your being and you're able to be more present grounded, connected, you'll start to notice and it's, it's really interesting, you know, things get really strange. It's like, wow, that person is famous and then totally, I've had the experience many times, especially when I was in Austin. No, I mean, I don't know. I was like, where the hell, like, what is the big deal about this? Because I just, so many people who were like, these big influencers and whatever and, and I was just so un, you know, frequently I'd be, um just very unimpressed with their presence, their embodiment and, and that comes up for me also. It was like, OK, why does that bother me? Because my ego has, you know, like, what part of me still wants to be special and important and whatever famous and people do relate to me as that. But there's still some kind of attachment I have around that and that's why it bothers me and then I come back and I'm like, OK, wait a minute, they're helping people, they're reaching a ton of people where they're at and they're reaching people that like, probably aren't really my people to reach. They're kind of like priming, they're like maybe getting people ready, you know, and because there's no scarcity, this is the other game you got to unplug from. There's no, there's no scarcity. There's just, and I'm like, really working on honestly, like cellular embodying this knowing, I understand it conceptually, but like really embodying the understanding that there is no such thing as scarcity on this that we are truly abundant in every way. Like cause it will come up. Sometimes I'm like, these famous people are diverting all the client, you know, and it's like that's not true. No. Yeah, no II I can appreciate and you know, relate in different levels. And you know, the thing I'm like, I look, I look at for example, in the, you know, the men's work I do which you know, the retreats I run with men. There's like advanced men's retreats that are definitely not for everyone in the depth to which we go in. There's, there's absolutely no way new people would be ready for it. And so what I see, like these big organizations where I see like sacred Sons and Mankind project and all these things like, you know, their social media is great, you know, and, and someone was sharing that, you know, they were at one of these events and there was a circle of, of 12 men and seven cameras that were happening at the same time. And it's just like, yeah, like that's not the field that I hold. I mean, I, I love what they're doing and I know they're opening the doorway into people's lives. And I celebrate that. And I also recognize that these different organizations, groups, people, they take people to a certain level, wherever that level is where finally that individual is like, OK, I'm ready, I'm ready for something more, whether that's whoever or whatever it may be. And this is what I come into deep resolution with. Just like I know that the people that end up in my inbox and the, the people that show up at my LA retreats and events and all the things like whatever the number, whatever it is of the individuals that are ready to dive in deeper, you know, they're, they're ready to fully meet themselves in this way. And, and they also need to be in resonance with the, the, the, the, the magic that I'm bringing, which might be good for them, might not for them. And I'm, it's just like for me at this point, it's just like such a deep, a deep surrender of like, hey, all I know I can do each day is show up, be in loving servers, you know, support the people that are in my field, you know, put some things out there into social media. I really at the end of the day, even though I do lives and things like that, I'm not a big fan of social media like I, I do it because I know it helps to connect with people. But like, it's just, you know, there's so much fakeness and there's so much things that are just articulated into this world of trying to trace people, which if you can trace them into transforming and opening up their heart, beautiful, like celebrating that. But with all the other stuff like Oh, it's just, it just mean. So. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Something's coming up really in this conversation. I'm so glad we're, um, exploring this and it's like we've never been more connected in some ways, but we've also never been more alone. And, yeah, man, I just been feeling the grief about this. Like, people are so alone on this planet and, you know, like there's a loneliness epidemic, uh, suicide has never been higher. You know, we have 10 year olds are likely to die at their own hand because of the distortions on social media around identity and body image. And it's these things are not really talked about, they're not cool, it's not, you know, it's like, but this is real, this is happening. Mhm mhm And uh you know, and something that was coming up for me when I was in Bali, I was spending a lot of time with my friends that have new babies and families, you know, and I was just like, no, like nothing really matters except like families and these kids and like, what kind of environment are we creating where, you know, like the family is supported in our society where these Children are taken care of and empowered and you know, I was like, really, I like God. Do you want me to give up my whole thing? I've been doing like, what am I supposed to do? Because I just feel like there's, there's way more important work to be doing, you know, and, and, and then even when it comes to these, like, the influencers and the people that are, like, not embodied and they have a whole persona and it's, it's like a prison. I feel like I tapped into that, you know, when I started my business and I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't, you know, I didn't know any better until I knew and then I didn't know again. And then I, you know, but the, the unmasking and the dismantling was so painful and it's like I had created such a tall pedestal to sit on that separated me from everybody. And all I want is connection with the persona and the performative nature. And, you know, people that can only relate in that kind of a lens when you need something from them or you want something from, you know, it's not reciprocal, it's not balanced, it's very lonely. And actually, I mean, on the same note, I, I've met some of these people in Austin and L A, whatever, all the places is everywhere. It's all over the world and, and it's like, wow, that must be lonely, you know, holding up such a big heavy mask where, you know, you can't break character one in particular. I felt like an immense amount of grief in their field and this person is super, is involved in some of those organizations you said, and, and who knows? Like we all change and lifetimes happen in a day and whatever. But the thought it occurred to me, like, you know, it occurred. I wasn't able to connect in, in that moment, but later on, it occurred to me as an afterthought. Like, wow, a person came in powerful presence, very charismatic, like, powerful being. But the whole conversation was teaching and I wasn't at a retreat. I'm like, hanging out on my friend's couch. Like we just worked out like, I'm chilling, you know, and it's like, I didn't sign up for a lecture, but this person can only relate in that way because you used to people expecting that from them. It occurred to me afterwards that, well, we didn't really connect. There was this opportunity to like hang out with some really cool people on this really comfortable couch in this beautiful house and this person came and gave a lecture instead of just like relaxing and hanging out and, you know, I wonder how many uh people are doing that unknowingly and, and how um or if they're aware or if that's sad or if that's lonely, you know. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. And, and it's, um you know, when I, when I hear you say that I, I can relate to different times if in my own journey of, you know, this part and inside of me that needs to teach and share every person I come across and then actually the, the deep like resting and relaxation and, you know, my own current reality. Like, I mean, last year I think I taught, like, over 25 retreats. You know, I'm, when I'm not in a, when I, when I'm not in a group space, I'm just, like, like, right now I have the rest of January free until February and then I have some things on and I'm, you know, I'm doing the podcast or getting some things out there, But I'm generally just dancing, being like a very little desire to teach anything to anyone. I mean, I work for clients but like, I'm like, I'm in that show often. That is just so refreshing just to, you know, stare at the swaying palm trees and drink coconut water body and like rest and joy, nothing to do, you know. So I, I'm Yeah, iii I get it. I love that. Yeah, I'm kind of like, should I work at a start up and just leave all this spiritual nonsense behind? I mean, honestly, maybe it's just part of my ego. I mean, I don't care, I don't have any, I've like no, at one point I would have had shame even saying this, but I've literally meant a place of, I don't give a fuck at all. And like God, please direct me to where I am meant to be most useful. And I feel like I'm getting sober again, like my awakening started and you know, getting sober from drugs and alcohol 12 years ago. And then, you know, I'm kind of like, I feel like I'm getting sober again from, like, my personality and my, and, like, attachments to all this success stuff that has been running loudly and it sucks in some ways. But it's also really cool. Like, I feel so much lighter and just more free. I'm like, it doesn't matter what I do, I could do whatever I want. And I'm still me and I'm still, I'm touching into more of my true value as, you know, not attached to anything. And I know that's not everyone's journey, but for me, that's a really deep one. And the last couple of months have been intense in that way. But it's kind of cool. I feel really spacious. Like, what could I like? What, what am I meant to do now? I've, I've had this journey, I've helped so many people, I've done all the things and maybe I'll keep doing it. But in a more like, what feels to be a simple way? Like just weird, simple, easy. I don't really like, like marketing all this stuff I learned, you know, to like, sell people into helping themselves. Like I just think it's so silly. I can't and I'm really good at it. But I, the part of me that used to like, get on a live stream all the fucking time and like, couldn't relax because I'd be like, this has to be a story to like, uh tell someone about like an awakening and I just, well, I can't, I literally cannot do it anymore. And I'm so relieved and I don't really know, uh what will be happening. I mean, I wrote a new, I wrote a newsletter today for the first time in a while and it felt real and invited people to like some stuff I'm doing and ways I can support. But it, I don't know, it just feels really different. I don't feel like Sydney, the coach or Sydney with an agenda to, you know, like really do anything beyond help if someone shows up and really wants to do the work. Mhm. Mhm. Mm. Beautiful, beautiful. Well, I'm, I'm celebrating, I'm celebrating your simplicity and surrender and your joy is a surrender. Lol. Is that yes. Yes. Absolutely. Hm. Well, it's a, it's a, it's a joy to, to feel you and to hear you and just to catch out up on where you're at in your journey. And um yeah, I, I'm very grateful for your presence and the authenticity of our touch ups and conversations through the years. It's always very real. Wherever we're both at, there's never any sugar coating, which is, is such a, a high value to me, to friends in my life. So thank you for, for not sugarcoating anything. I love you, Aaron and I love to like, I, I don't know if I'm gonna do is again, like it was just it was honestly just so much fun, but I kind of just want to do it to see you do, like, facilitate, like, maybe I'll just spy on you. That'd be fun to, uh, to, to, I'm doing a couple this year. I mean, there's a lot of other things I do on this to. But, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure to be a fun way. I kind of want to see specifically you in that field though. Like, I don't know that field. Yeah, I'll be, I'll be teaching, uh, um, in June, a living level one which is like level 1.5 not, not quite the level two. Sometimes I teach level two as well. So, yeah, it's a, it's a beautiful field. I mean, I have my own, you know, love, hate relationship with this and I celebrate what it does and I'm happy to be of support and I think it's, um, yeah, I think it's been beautiful how they've been showing up and creating a deeper level of accountability in this field. And for that, I'm really grateful. Um, and I think it's really paving the way into new ways of deeper uh integrity and accountability into, you know, a field that has a lot of gray area. So, um, we'd love to have you in one of those for sure. You know, I just did it so I could be in all these whatsapp groups. It's really cool because now I can just go anywhere. And I mean, that's silly but also it's, I don't know, like when you go through and I know your work and all that you facilitate is about initiatory journeys and rites of passage. And, and I guess mine is too on some level and, and there's just a certain resonance, you know, when you've shared these experiences, these unique experiences with people and it's like you didn't necessarily have to be in the same experience together. But it's kind of like the secret language like, oh you did that thing? Cool. We can like hang out in most cases. Yeah. It creates a certain soul resonance for sure. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I have to ask you a question. So this is like now we're on my podcast. So what is your like the big vision coming? Like you're building your house in Bali, you're teaching all over the world, you're teaching, you're right. The book is a audibles coming like, I don't know, is there, do you, I guess what I'm asking and I'm kind of asking this selfishly from my own process too. Like, do you still hold like big visions or goals for yourself of like the next year, the next five years or, or do you like not? Then you're just allowing uh I love this Russian for one. To Yeah, to me, it's a combination of both. Like, it's a deep surrender into hosting myself, moment to moment, day to day. Like how can I be in service and show up? It's doing things that bring me a lot of joy. Like, one of the things I'm doing in about a year from now is climbing one of the highest mountains in the world. And that's scary and, and it's crazy and I know I'm gonna have a whole leadership, you know, container leading up to that whole thing. Um, so that's really exciting. Um, and the other thing that's probably present to me, you know, I just turned 40 this last year and, you know, there's definitely a recognition of wanting to bring some little babies in the world, whatever world this is. So that's also, you know, present in my field. So I feel like in many ways, you know, I have a few more books I want to write, I have two or three that are already underway and, you know, I, I see several more books coming out in the next couple of years about a variety of different topics. And um yeah, and also, you know, like the land I got in Bali was basically, if the world goes crazy again, I want a place that I can just, you know, live off the land, be with the trees and the waterfall and, and everything else um that I, that I need along the way and, and, and trust the process of it all. So, um you know, with that, I'm uh deeply grateful and I definitely have, you know, the general overarching dream or goal is just to continue to be in service and to live a life of joy and to make love a lot. You know, I like making love. I like making love to the trees. I like making love to, you know, and, and, and living and drinking good food and, you know, knowing that I'm, I'm celebrating all the pieces and the aspects of what life brings in. So I think they do a pretty good job of that. You're doing it. You're being it. Thank you. That's really sweet to hear. I really feel bad and that's, you'd be such a good dad. Oh my God. I so love that for you. Like, yes, embodied dad. Like, that's amazing. That's amazing. I love that kids are like doing like activations when they're like three. They're like, OK. Yeah. Yeah, I've had uh in a couple of um you know, sessions and different experiences. I, you know, I definitely felt the souls of some of the beings coming in and uh you know, feel their resonance and, you know, the, the I've always felt intuitively. I, you know, Children who come into this world for me around 4243 you know, and it's kind of feels like around the trajectory of my life right now. So I'm, I'm just surrendering. I'm just like, like surrendering each and every day. How do I show up in love? How do I share the love that's inside of me. How do I, you know, support others to do the same. So, yeah, that's a journey. I have so many questions. Like, how do you find the mom and the partner? And like, how do you date and how do you, or do you just, it's like a poly fest. Like how do you like how, you know, because it, it's like you do all this work. I do all this work and it's like, you know, and then you like anyways, it's like, how allow it to surrender. Yeah. You know, and deep listening, it's deep listening, you know, to both my, to both my masculine and feminine inside, you know, that's ultimately what it comes down to. Like, there's definitely beings in my field and, you know, there's just an awareness in certain times even the last year. Like, there's, you know, beautiful loves that have come into my life at a certain point came when it was like, actually we're complete now. Like this doesn't, you know, we're still dear friends. But the romantic connection of that, even with my last, you know, relationship with, with Raven, we're, we're dear friends, you know, and it was just very clear, the romance of our connection is complete and, you know, I'm just open to like, I kind of like a deep question with God. I'm like, all right, God, I see what's going on. Like, like to like, show me, show me the way I'm, I'm here listening. Part of me thinks I have an idea, but I ultimately know I have very little idea. I see the goal. I see the vision and I'm just gonna continue to show up in love every day and, and be in my authenticity and truth and that's about all I can do. Yeah, me too. Thank you for the, the the questions. I love it. I love it. Yeah. Thank you for, for, for diving in. I need to make sure I got some coaching, you know, I needed some help. So thank you. No worries. You're here to help here to be of service, darling. Well, thank you for your time. Thank you for your, you know, the, the service that you bring into the world for the books that you've created and the many lives that I know you've impacted and continue to impact and you know, I don't think there's another human on earth. I'd rather have a conversation around standard leadership with. So I think this is the perfect dialogue. Yeah, lots of magic. You, me too. Thanks for being my friend and, and thanks for like tracking all these different timelines. It's been a lot of different iterations of this life and you've been in really specific moments and thank you for that. Um Yeah, you're very welcome. Thank you all for listening and uh see you next time. Mhm Bye bye.